Moves, Old Flames, Sexual Workshops, and Death

by James C. Stephens

Monday, March 17, 1980

Weekend was really strange. We finally tied up an apartment, then roommate Vincent Wong caused some real upsetting problems. The guy is exceedingly immature. He is rude and also unaware of his actions and of himself. His table manners are gross–he chews his food with his mouth wide open and it grates terribly on my nerves. 15 minutes before I had to be at a meeting he says he wants to have a talk–only when it is convenient for him. When we’re relaxing on a Sunday evening, he comes in and wants to figure out the bills. Late at night he would make noise in the kitchen while we were trying to sleep and on top of that he talks to himself.

Our place in Culver City on Woodbine.

I find him incredibly irritating. We’ll see what I can learn here. He’s like a little child. It’s not so much his actions, but his attitude. It’s a temporary situation and evidently I must be in it to learn something. I have never felt intuitively right about him, so maybe it’s the universe’s design to help me change something. I’ll stick it out, but as soon as we move in I’ll just be me and not hold back anything. He’s an extremely arrogant “intellectual” engineer and quite frankly he really is short, I mean really short on human skills. He says with his mouth he wants to change. He talks of the fact he would like to be a politician. Why is it people who don’t really care about people want to run our government? I also think he designs military weapons which disturbs me. The person has very little conscience and or consciousness.

Well, we’ll see what happens in the next few months. Who knows? At this time I just wanted you to know my feelings. The guy is a real schmuck. A PhD to me is worth about a shit to me if that’s the type of person you are. He also Malaysian, educated in English schools and Catholic. Very unfrank and deceitful.

Anyway we got the place on 1133 6th Street in Santa Monica. I don’t feel too good regarding the move. We’ll just have to see if it’s just my mood or illusion or whatever. It’s right across the street from the World Culture Center. Why? Who knows. It’s frustrating. Chanted for the right move.

Yesterday had diarrhea. Felt sick. Went to Spa. Stopped by open house at Santa Monica Community Center, very little vitality in the elderly. I felt more ill just being around there. I just don’t know what is going on in my life, its all so strange.

When I drop in on a meeting at the center, I can’t quite feel sincere with the leaders or the people. I have a tremendous resentment against many of them. The leaders just grate on my life.

Quite honestly I don’t know where all this is leading.

Without Liz sometimes it would be hard to bear what goes on.

It’s time to make and find some new friends for new growth. I feel we’ve outgrown a lot of acquaintances that are just not too interesting to be around.

This new move is a good opportunity to change a lot of things.

Monday, April 7, 1980

Had a chiropractic treatment today from David Clemmens, D.C. and am feeling better mentally. To me it is so incredible what a difference I feel when my back is aligned. I needed very much to get an adjustment since all I seem to have been doing for the past weeks is moving. Three Saturdays ago we moved into our new apartment at 1133 6th Street, Apartment #1. What a move! Fortunately a lot of friends helped us out. Bruce Barnes, Bob Rafkin, Mike Roquemore and Kirk, Lydia, Adrianne Lascar, and Dad. It sure made it easier and I really do appreciate their help. We had more help than our UCLA Extension Landscape School in moving the drafting equipment on Saturday April 5.

Last Monday Liz and I helped Dad move out of the garage. What a monumental task. Liz is such a beautiful and remarkable woman. I love her so much. And I enjoy working with her. She doesn’t fool around. She gets things done. Well I have to tell you we did one helluva lot of work and quite a good job. It sure felt good to finally see a phase in our life pass. (The cars were gone. Hip!Hip! Hooray!)

We had our share of Mrs. Nelson too. She became a terrible bother at the end. I didn’t find her a very enjoyable person. Strange lady. A touch of Nazi in there I believe. Enough there.

Our new place is really charming. It’s taking some time to get settled, but we’re doing fine. Sunday, Liz and I took a walk to the pier and Ocean Park. Although I wasn’t in the best of spirits I have to say I did enjoy myself.

Our new place is really charming. It’s taking some time to get settled, but we’re doing fine. Sunday, Liz and I took a walk to the pier and Ocean Park. Although I wasn’t in the best of spirits I have to say I did enjoy myself.

Few things. Adrianne and Mike Roquemore got together, as Adrianne was having problems with someone who shows her concern; I’m getting friendly with a girl Bonnie from school. She’s married, not too happy. We had a nice talk on Saturday alone when we were moving desks donated by a big design firm. I think it would be nice to have a more intimate relationship with her. I think we could be very good friends. In fact I think it looks very promising in that direction and I will definitely commit some time in that direction.

Design School looking really great. I helped along with Nori Hashibe, John, Tom L, Pat Allen and Bonnie, Vince and a few others to move a great deal of drafting equipment to our new prospective design center.

I’m talking to Pat Allen, Chair of the School of Landscape Architecture, UCLA Extension.  

Nori, Phil and I talked til late about the future in this area and regarding Pacific Cultural ties. I’m taking Studio Skills from Nori and Interior Design for Landscape Architecture from Tom Lockett.

Tom Lockett, Land Images.

I feel I’m on the ground floor of something great happening and I am EXCITED! REAL EXCITED.

Same in NSA with the Youth Development Program. Michael Crenshaw (An Actualization’s Workshop Leader) and I had dinner and he’s very interested in helping develop the Young People’s Workshop.

In the area of Relationship with Liz it’s deepening. Some problems, but a lot of advancement.

Family: Uncle Johnny Dow (Tony’s father) is not doing well. He has terminal cancer. I don’t know much more than that presently.

Bruce and Maggie got married last weekend in March. Very nice wedding small and beautiful. Bruce’s family seemed really happy. It looks like a good bet!

Started a million daimoku campaign today.

Losing my hair stylist Linda. She and her husband are moving to Carmel. Really nice gal from New York.

Tomorrow–Sexual Self Expression Workshop–Touching. Should be interesting.

Good nite for now.

Oh, a couple of other things: must push career–progressing too slow. Looking for a job. Must complete resume this week.

Liz and I going to Yosemite with Jerry Wilhelm and Pat Cuda on Ecological Systems field trip (While we waited for Jerry’s Professor, we soon heard tragic news that he was killed in a motorcycle accident on his way to teach the class. It was very difficult for all).

Elizabeth at Yosemite.

Must get serious with Career by doing.

Michael Roquemore having a hard time at present, but I think it’s going to turn around.

Chris DeLisle doing great. Helped us with garage move. Gave him my old skis and boots. He’s doing well.

Got a letter from Chris Scott–from Actualizations CPI (Creative Personal Interactions) Workshop–must get in touch. He’s really a super guy.

Cold Feet, Dreams and Photophobia

by James C. Stephens

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Wednesday, January 23, 1980

Beautiful day! Lots has happened in the past couple of weeks. I have been investing some time on my body with a chiropractor Jerry Wilhelm had recommended. I had been feeling the recurrence of a back spasm I had had several times. While chanting I felt that maybe my spinal alignment or misalignment might have something to do with my “hypoglycemia.” I also had cold feet, spasms, etc. and wondered if they had any connection to my physical condition.

Then I had my appointment with Doctor Clemens and we talked about various feelings I was having. Three vertebra’s were not in place. Specifically # __ and #___ which had a direct effect on my pancreas, which as you know secretes insulin and a second vertebrae which effects lower body circulation. Afterwards I felt quite different. He said we had to realign my hips, which would have an effect on the remainder of my spinal column. As so it went; my feet have been very warm and Liz noticed this as well as did I. My temperament has changed quite noticeably. For the first time in quite awhile I have noticed hunger pangs before my mental alarms have sounded. It is definitely worthwhile to be aware of your physical self and to help maintain it.

I must improve my diet more and (chiropractor just called me in).

Friday, February 1, 1980

I might as well start off with the disturbing dream I had this morning. The basic line was I dropped Liz off at work, she went into her office, and then came out made up real nice. She then hopped in a car with some guy. I drove up to her car, got out, told her, “Wow, don’t you look nice.” She was cold to me, very cold. I told the guy who was young, “it’s okay, we’re getting divorced anyway,  so don’t let me stop you.”  She drove his car away with him and as she left I saw her look through her rear view mirror, I waived, but was hurt very much. Later she returned and says, “hello.”  I look at her and she says yes. But he’s not as good as you at all. End of dream, but not end of feeling.

I communicated this dream to Liz. She was very interested in my reaction to the incident. She left the house very cold this morning as far as I’m concerned. But then again, I expressed my basic interpretation of the dream which was my mistrust of women. The makeup thing and the other man is something my father went through and then divorce; the intercourse and “oh you’re better syndrome is something I had gone through with “X” (before Liz and I were married or knew each other) when I caught “X” in bed with her future husband. (“X” and I at the time were engaged to each other). Both incidents were founded on mistrust. Very painful events which must have had a strong impact on my psyche and thus on my present relationship with Liz. She must have been hurt that I still had this feeling which I laid upon her.

She’s always telling me, “I’m not them.” It’s so hard for me to say, “so” to these extra marital relationships sometimes because it is so related to my self esteem and psyche and past experience.*

*[JCS-These experiences are very painful to recall. Elizabeth and I have since processed many of my failings and the dysfunctional patterns inherited from my youth as I watched my parents failed marriage and examined how they impacted my later relationships. I don’t wish this on any family or their children as divorce affects generations].

February 3, 1980

It’s been so hard to get around to you (journal) and letting you know what’s been going on. Here’s the list.

1. Experience with sickness trip at school*,
2. Onslaught of design jobs-Sarah Vaughn the singer calling our house for maintenance and design, two jobs in Mission Viejo, one in Malibu (Ford Watson);
3. Decision to pursue apprenticeship in Landscape Architecture firm (Master-Disciple relationship in the field);
4. Strong feelings about new direction in NSA (my ideas, not organizations); my deep respect growing for Nichiren Daishonin and Buddhism;
5. “The Phoenix”; Nuclear Build up in Nevada and Utah;
6. Bob and Joanne Rafkin’s divorce and ensuing problems, involvement w/ people’s internal affairs– learning lesson;
7. Chiropractic body experience;
8. Discussion meeting and experience of facilitating;
9. Adrianne coming to house;
10. Vincent moving in, cleaning and consolidating, and discarding;
11. Experience with deaf man working at UCLA in the Ornamental Horticulture department greenhouses on planting in radioactive soil;
12. Gary Curtis takes Actualization’s workshop,
13. Classes, projects, wind park, special projects;
14. Visit to Mom’s; talk with Mom; Dad’s problem’s with relationship; possibility of workshop for him;
15. Robin Stephens to dinner; planning meeting at our home;
16. Academy Awards movies;
17. Rent increase $100-talk with Gerda.

 

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*I was sitting in one of my landscape architecture evening classes at UCLA and there was flickering fluorescent light and it triggered something in my brain. I recall leaving class early and being in an altered state of consciousness. I was not taking any drugs, nor drinking. It was an environmental issue. As I drove home, I thought I was going to die and all I wanted to do was get home to my wife Elizabeth.  I have since discovered that flourescent lighting vibrates at a certain frequency and can affect sensitive persons. When I was working on my master’s degree, I would wear dark glasses to class if it was at night and flourescent’s would be used. That seemed to do the trick.

It’s called photophobia. https://www.theraspecs.com/blog/light-sensitivity-anxiety/

 

 

Kenny’s Deli and David Sings the Blues

by James C. Stephens

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Sunday, August 6, 1978

Worked on compiling seminar book from one o’clock in the afternoon. Kenji, Ian, Liz, Tony, Chris Delisle, Russ Isobe and I worked steadily until 9 to complete all 100 books. It was a great exercise in faith. I’m sure it will be a great memory for all of us in the future.*

Although it’s not Kenny’s Deli, Zucky’s Deli was among the host of watering holes in Santa Monica where we as members used to hang out after meetings to catch a bite and a cup of coffee.

Liz and I ate out at Kenny’s Deli at about 10:30. David Blue came strolling in and sat with us. He told us he had been taiten for about 6 months, and we asked why. He explained the guidance he received freaked him out, because his leaders told him he couldn’t achieve enlightenment since he was gay. I immediately expressed my feelings regarding the guidance and told Liz I disagreed and would check this with Gary Curtis.*

Monday, August 7, 1978

Morning guidance to Brent.

Talked with Gary Curtis, he said that Valley Headquarters having problems, very conservative and sometimes incorrect guidance. He said he couldn’t visit David now, but said he was welcome to practice in our headquarters. He relayed some guidance on gay question to me from Japan.

Got seminar books ready to be shipped to each headquarters. Neglected personal business, felt dilemma~must get material out or work. Wish I could have done both, must train capable leaders and be a better planner.

Called David back at Kenny’s at 10:30 and reported results. He called back and asked if he could come over for morning Gongyo. Sure!

Tuesday, August 8, 1978

Morning Gongyo with David and Joan his friend. Dropped Liz off at work and went out to breakfast with David and Joan.

Worked on Reiner’s indoor plants.

Gongyo practice and out with members to Figueroa Cafe. David Blue dropped by World Tribune at our home and told Liz he was in interested in practicing again. Great!

Wednesday, August 9, 1978

Ill today, flu and nausea.

Thursday, August 10, 1978

Liz sick today also~must be flu.

Friday, August 11, 1978

Marina Chapter seminar-YMD Senior leaders must help plan more in Chapter. We must take initiative!

Coffee with Nancy Donohue and Jerry Wilhelm at Pacific Sandwich and Savings.

Talked about persecution and family problems. Nancy’s mother strong Christian opposition to her.

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*I just read my entry regarding putting together the seminar book and Elizabeth said, “I don’t remember that.”  We had a good laugh.

*Elizabeth was a member of West Hollywood Chapter.

 

Ugh, gotta watch that alcohol!

by James C. Stephens

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August 1, 1978 1 a.m.

The date is now upon me.

No longer can I wait.

It is now an internal fight

against Gumpon no mumyo.*

Honnin’myo

Let me begin!

This is the beginning of the battle which I have contemplated for so long. It is a battle of using theory for practical application. A battle I have been poor at up til now. I am unhappy intuitively because I have until now not challenged this weakness in my life. Now, I promise to devote my life to the mystic law. To help all my fellow countrymen understand this philosophy through my practice and application. No longer can I sit back in the bleachers as a mere observer I, oh I must become a torchbearer and fight with every ounce I can muster! This is my eighth year of practice and the eighth month–Let me open the door of my true human revolution! Only with that concentrated Ichinen can this happen.

In this diary I will record current events, trials and tribulations and as in the beginning of my diary be as truthful as possible.

Each day evaluate my actions and take a step forward, each night evaluate my actions and plan a step forward.

August 2, 1978

up at 6:00 a.m.–1 hour daimoku–August 1

Yesterday morning I spent sometime giving guidance to Brent Wilson. It takes him time to absorb anything since he is so defensive in his manner. I told him this and also that it was a major problem in my practice several years ago also. We talked about jobs, goals and attitude.

Set up some indoor-outdoor ferns and plants at an actor’s place in the Valley. His name is Richard Dreyfuss. I didn’t meet him, but worked with his mother for a few hours. They bought me lunch for helping them out. She’s a nice gal. Richard and Rob Reiner have been friends for along time. Since New York. They played stick ball and all those N.Y. street games there. Evidently Richard is under a lot of pressure at the moment since he is producing and acting in his own film. It must be extremely arduous. I really feel for him in his situation. Just seeing his movies I feel he is kenzoku.* The fact that he lives here confirms my feeling. They seem very down to earth as people.

[Of course an early film he was best remembered for was Jaws. Jaws Trailer ]

7:00–Jerry Wilhelm and I did Gongyo together and later discussed the YMD situation in Marina and planned out who would contact who and set up some visitations. Afterwards we had some nice Cabernet Savignon, hit me very fast. Out like a light last night. Must watch drinking on an empty stomach and also on weekdays!

August 2, 1978

Up at 9:30–ugh! Gotta watch that alcohol. Gongyo, very little daimoku and then on the road. Back–finally dug into tons of paperwork and got organized. Feel 100% better!

Dentist stitches out…

Called Pat Flaherty in Montana–new attorney office–own practice..now a Christian. Correspondence starts again. This time through an agreement-a dialogue on life.

Did estimate in Valley on some benches with an old fellow member Chico Olivera. He’s a great guy. I have some carma with him, I need to change, but I really like him.

Home visitation in Pasadena with Tony Schmidt on young guy named Mark Sanchez. Have problems with his father and also with Gongyo. Tried my best to encourage him. Read Advice to Young People before hand, it sure came in handy.

Got back 9:45. Mike left. We were supposed to have a toso to start our campaign towards Sho Hondo 1979, October 12. He called is having problems. Needs guidance, I will try to help him find a Men’s Division leader soon.

Worked on YMD Seminar Book til 12:00. Bed 1:00 a.m. Determination for tommorrow–Compilation of Seminar Book.

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* Gumpon no mumyo– is the inherent darkness within which Nichiren said was the most difficult obstacle to overcome in the human being quest for enlightenment.

*Kenzoku-friends, a bit like birds of a feather flock together.

Note in retrospect: Even as newlyweds, Elizabeth and I were both senior leaders and kept quite busy with independent activities. She was one of the few members who actually had a steady job and worked for General Telephone for years. Looking back at my journals it struck me how little we were prepared as members to have functional marriages outside of our hectic schedules.