Posts Tagged ‘Dostoevsky’

by James C. Stephens


Tuesday, May 10, 1977

Monday raining outside. As I lay in bed I picked up Daddy Long Legs by Jean Webster and started reading (I believe I told you earlier that Mr. Williams had pulled this book from his library and told you it was one of President Ikeda’s favorite books.) Well, it has become one of my favorite books in fact. I couldn’t put it down except to do morning gongyo and what a perfect stormy day to be able to read through such a wonderful book.

Tuesday morning. Did or trying to do more relaxed Gongyo’s; I have felt, too nervous in the past, trying to become more relaxed and patient. Did rhythmical relaxed Gongyo. Decided at last moment, Dad and I should go do the route together. At Howard Johnson’s I had a very pleasant surprise. Isabel was there, came out and greeted me. We talked while I worked and made a plan to drop off Daddy Long Legs to her place tonite at 8:00.

8:10 p.m.-After relaxed Gongyo stopped by Isabels and had a very relaxed and enjoyable conversation. Shared dreams and frustrations till about 10:30. “Gee, I’m going to have to get back to work, Jim.”

“Okay, I have to get home and read 50 more pages of Dostoevsky’s Idiot. Sunday at 11:30?”

“Okay.” She looked so relaxed. Dressed in a robe. Most sexy, but all I could imagine was her and I at home together relaxed, her writing in the study. I moved over and kissed her goodnight, very light kiss, although I wished more, it was so innocent. On the way home I smiled to myself. I would have it no other way. I trust her so much more this way than one who would have had more immediate motives as sex.

Here I was moved sexually, but more emotionally. I felt that I wanted to take her into my arms.

I loaned her a Jazz album of mine and also Brahm’s Fourth. She exclaimed! “Oh, It’s my favorite of Brahms. Thanks!”

What can I say? I would write the experience word for word if I could, but I realize its just the longing I have to be with such a person. I told you I had many conflicts inside about starting a relationship with a non-member. But I made a commitment to Gohonzon that I would follow this through and would stand by Isabel with true love which is true mercy and with strong faith in the Gohonzon hold on to my mission ever more dearly. If in fact this relationship is meant to be.

 

Does fortune have it

I should travel,

Should run into so many

different

people, places

and one day meet my wife

over coffee in a restaurant

Maybe I am crazy

Or a romantic

Or a bit of both.

But I have a feeling

From the depths of my life

Isabel is a such a beautiful name.

She is eloquent

But she has a certain shyness

Maybe they call it a feminine mystique.

Two of her upper front teeth overlap

her lip-she tries to hide it

But that’s what makes her so attractive.

She has luscious moderate lips

Brown eyes, not flirting

But with depth

That I know I could love.

Dark hair that frames her face

Like a full moon.

Not thin, but healthy

Lovely.

A life like a puppy dog

You want to hug,

Although it is shy at first.

We communicated tonight many times

Without talking and

We realized it.

Hope and confidence!

 

TO ISABEL

Please understand

My heart is pure

I too am not only in

Search of a romantic diversion

Dear

Only in search of someone I

Can share and grow with.

Someone I can see the

Stars through their eyes

And not be lost without

Faith and hope

Someone who can tell me

A sweater is not my color

or

Gosh, tears

I hope you could love me

I so wish to share my life

Closely with someone.

I hope that can be you.

Goodnite I must rest

My thoughts.

Love is too trite a word

to give to you.

 

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by James C. Stephens


Sunday, March 17, 1974

This morning I awoke at about 7:30 and put up the flag at the JHQ (Nichiren Shoshu Headquarters in Santa Monica, California) and did Gongyo with the Brass Band. Afterwards I promoted some World Tribune and did some cleanup at home. From about 6 pm I helped Scott Wilson with the TCD (Traffic Control Division) at the JHQ. At about 9:45 Scott and I frantically exchanged pants. He needed some whites since he was leading the meeting. Strangely when I left I got some whites about 2 minutes before the TCD meeting. After the meeting I rode back to the JHQ with Scott and stuck with him while he was finishing up some last minute adjustments on the bus lists. We then walked out front and what a fortunate rhythm. Honbucho Hall drove up. We talked to or should I should say he talked to us for about 20 minutes outside the Headquarters. He asked my name and if I was on the list. He also told us he was not going to South America and that Mr. Williams was going to be back this week.

Honbucho interspersed guidance on the TCD spirit when he talked to Scott and I (more tommorrow).

Tuesday, March 26, 1974

Recently, I have been thinking about my plans for the next five years…In the past few years I have though casually over the possibility of starting a business. I thought first of a restaurant business, but reviewing the state of our economy in so far as the food prices I have postponed such a goal until I have and also the economy has reached a more stable period. Inside my own life I have seen many problems which have been reflected to me by my environment and colleagues.

The major problem I don’t know, however I wouldn’t call them problems, just realizations. My cultural background was never too firm. Being raised in Montana is quite a contrast to being raised in L.A. But at the same time I realize I can’t compare myself to other people. Rather I have to go through a Cultural Revolution within my own life. Such a revolution I believe involves exposing myself to much literature and a much wider variety of experiences in my life.

11:15. I have been seriously thinking about starting a business or a small shop dealing with skiing. Mainly it would involve waxing, sharpening, and repairing skis. Also I would like to be a center for ordering skis of racing prototypes. Of course the idea is still in the idea stage. Mainly I have to start talking around and see what such a business involves.

Yesterday I applied for a job working for a campaign for Baxter Ward. Unfortunately it had already been filled, however I plan on working for his campaign for Governor after the convention. I talked to Shibucho and he said it wouldn’t hurt doing it 2 or 3 hours a week or so. I really feel it would be a valuable experience. I have been thinking about learning some languages.

Both of my new members have turned in their money for the convention. Their names are Gary Sheldon and Chris Collinge. They both are really groovy.

I think a plan for my cultural change would involve 20 minutes of study periods on several different fields of interest:

20 minutes on science, 20 minutes on history, 20 minutes on economics, etc. Definitely reading current magazines and many great literary works. Right now I’m starting on Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment.  20 minutes study of Buddhism is a definite necessity to my development. Well it’s late and I must get some rest so I can find a good job tomorrow.

One last thing. Sunday the TCD went to San Diego to look the area over for the convention. It was a definite success and I’m sure a valuable experience for the convention. I told Shibucho about our TCD activity. He gave me permission and guidance to be strict on our TCD. The four TCD are myself, Arnie Roff, David Valencia, and Chico Olivera. Tomorrow night, I’m in charge of 5 TCD to protect the Koteketai practice.

Saturday, March 30, 1974

Wednesday, I again looked for a job and planted some seeds for job possibilities.

Sunday, March 31, 1974

We had a TCD meeting and surveyed the parking lot in the rain.