Three Thousand Worlds in a Momentary State of Existance

Posted: August 30, 2018 in Uncategorized

by James C. Stephens


Tuesday, May 22, 1979

I just wrote several pages of hate which I tore up and threw away. I’m in hell and I am miserable. I’m frustrated and did Gongyo. Does chanting really work? I like the philosophy, but I still have problems believing in the power of nam-myoho-renge-kyo. My relationship with myself is super uncomfortable at present. The same goes true with my Gohonzon and my wife. I mistrust myself, my wife and my Gohonzon. I have deep feelings of frustration over my schooling and of just succeeding in something in life. I’m becoming afraid of human relationships because I can’t get, oh I just am in pain. My wife is attracted to other men. I saw her hugging them. Intellectually I fought it, but I deeply hated it. I’m still pretty immature. I feel like getting out of this relationship and not getting into any more. It’s all so silly, because a minute earlier I felt the opposite on all issues. That’s why it is so frustrating. I have a lot of self doubt and hate. I’ve never really done anything worthwhile in my life that I feel is worthwhile.


[Note looking back: I think I was feeling the pangs of jealousy, self loathing and also a mistrust of women which I only came to grasp much later on in life as a result of my mother leaving my father when I was a freshman in college–unannounced. One day I came home and she was nowhere to be found and later discovered she had planned leaving for a long time with my younger brother-all unbeknownst to me. For two years I was in a daze following my parent’s break-up, as was my father who had not seen it coming and was suicidal. It left a scar upon my heart as I experienced my mother’s betrayal of her marriage vows and the trust I had placed in her as a son. For years, I wrestled with a wandering eye which I came to recognize after many years was looking for a woman made in the image of my young mother who would accept me, which I failed to recognize for many years. It is dangerous because these traumatic experiences open us up to seduction as we attempt to subconsciously repair the damage.  I tested my own wife Elizabeth for years without knowing it, testing her faithfulness, “are you going to leave me too?” It is something that I regret now which may have been rectified earlier had I sought specific counseling in the area of my wounding. If you are married and come from a broken family and resolve not to continue the pattern as  I later committed to, it would be prudent to seek a wise family systems counselor].


Wednesday, May 23, 1979

Good morning! I love you world and I love myself. I’m good looking and have one beautiful self to offer to this world. [JCS note: looking back on taking the “Self Esteem” workshop our group was taught the practice of positive affirmations. It’s a bit embarrassing to recall, but as I said, this is a raw journal] I believe in me and I believe in my wife Liz. I believe that anything beautiful is possible and can be achieved. Self doubt is death. It is destructive when you let it take over the driver’s seat of your life.

Appreciation of the moment.

The moment we can let go of the past

we don’t need to wallow in our own excrement.

We need to move on in life

For it is but a beautiful succession of moments

I am beautiful

To enjoy everything life has to offer

I am a child of the great universe

I suffer and am happy

I am ill, and also healthy

I am old and also young

I am death and I am life

To exclude any of these I would not be alive,

To enjoy the birds beautiful song of life

is to enjoy the beautiful song of life within

me. The past, the present, the future

all rolled into one moment

Enjoyment, and

Appreciation

You live so you should enjoy

and share

to help others enjoy

it is so miserable to be miserable

Just to hope to be joyous

is not enough

Be joyous

that is enough

And let go of that possession we

call reason

and take hold of that great tail we

call life

and enjoy where she takes you.

You need not try to possess the past.

It is part of you.

You need not worry about the future

There will always be one.

You and I let’s enjoy the present and

do what serves our life at this moment.


JCS post note: I have grown to embrace a far different reality. I do not hold to what might be called the philosophy of hedonism, “live for today for tomorrow we die,” or as I put it at the time “do what serves our life at this moment.”   I do not think that the future holds the same prospects for each person, but is determined by the faith which one ends up professing and practicing. What one believes does affect our ultimate destiny as individual human beings, families and nations.  We must be concerned about the future, decisions we make today, and resolutions to restore others for wrongs we may have committed in the past. I do believe in the faculty of human reason based upon eternal and unchanging principles.

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