by James C. Stephens


Monday, May 22, 1977

Two colored crayonsSunday morning my mind was wrought with confusion and burdened with anxiety. In my relationship with Isabel I am discovering much of myself. The romantic flash at the beginning is beginning to wane. I have talked to many people I regard with respect, concerning my new relationship. I admit to being a confused and naive young man. It is most difficult to fight the problems of the heart. However, it is these I desire most. Problems of the heart, yes these are definitely the most difficult. Knowing myself bit by bit I decided Sunday to confront the situation in a manner becoming of me. My stomach tightened by anxiety and my head was bulging with anticipation at my confrontation with Isabel. Not knowing where she was necessarily coming from I needed to know her innermost feelings. This was not just an important thing to me, but to us.

This is what happened in our dialogue:

I told her a story of a game we played at a World Tribune correspondent’s meeting. One, where two people unbeknownst to each other sat a opposite ends of a piece of paper and had a non verbal conversation with two different colored crayons. I explained how I made assumptions without any knowledge of knowing the other person and was applying this to our relationship. I told her directly that I was very attracted to her and was willing to make a commitment to knowing her better. We exchanged many feelings on subjects that concerned a relationship. She explained she had trouble expressing her true feelings in the past, but still hesitated. We exchanged our experiences. She lived with a guy who she almost married for two years. She told me she felt like a prisoner and could not feel her own person. She confessed to me that she didn’t feel ready at this particular time for such a relationship of devoting herself to one person. She said that she thought of me as a friend. She confided in me that sexually (this was not easy for her to open to me about, but she did open up) she never felt that sex was for her, but always for him to be pleased. She therefore confessed at being uptight about sex with men. Our discourse ran from this matter to freedom to live and pursue your dreams while you live with your mate. She didn’t feel she could make the commitment of living with one mate her entire life. Here I realize her frustration especially in a society in which marriage seems to be on its way out.

Philosophically I believe marriage is an important step in completing your character.

I’m now nearing my seventh year anniversary and am in my 26th year. I must now lay down my roots, chose a course to live and strive hard to become an expert in my field. There are so many things I want to do, but I am now making commitments in my life; I mean if Jefferson and Franklin could do so many things why can’t I? It is a matter of discipline. I am going to write a letter to Mr. Williams expressing my determination, but also asking him direction as far as my education as a human being.

Let me begin today! A new Jim Stephens is born. A new canvas is being unrolled. How fortunate I am to have the Gohonzon! Without such a teacher I could never even see beyond my present limitations.

Russ Dilando-I can not talk to him again until I have made some concrete changes in my life.

I want the kyo to become my life. Life is too beautiful to let slip by or become ensnared by its scheming webs. Don’t you become a victim Jim! Breathe deep! Run a race against yourself! Become the master of your destiny!

People say that Tchaikovsky is too schmaltzy. But his grandiose style moves me. Doesn’t this kyo have the possibility of becoming most actualized in our everyday life.

Vivaldi’s style-the heart cries out! The primordial instincts. Man is such a complicated machine. None can match him. How can we not be intrigued by this most phenomenal creature? What he makes, creates or destroys. This is a purpose to my life. I must find it! Search. Study, climb this mountain. Toda said ‘once you have scaled the highest mountain, you will be able to see all other philosophies clearly.’


Vivaldi~The Four Seasons, Op. #8-Numbers 1-4; Spring Concerto-Solstisi di Zagreb; Antonio Janigro conductor. Jim Tomasow-Solo Violin; Anton Heiller-Harpischord.

 

P. Tchaikovsky. Italian Capriccio

 

Moscow City Symphony “Russian Philharmonic” Conductor — Michail Jurowski Moscow International House of Music, Svetlanov Hall June 20, 2012 P. Tchaikovsky. Italian Capriccio.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s