Suspicions, Sancho Goma Infects My Being

Posted: December 6, 2016 in Uncategorized

by James C. Stephens


February 3, 1975

The past several months have been extremely hard on me emotionally. In September I received a call from a girl named _______ who was seeking a meeting place in the Valley. Well, I told her we had meetings at my house one night a week in the Valley.

So that Friday night, we picked her up and took her to a Shakubuku meeting at the Shibu. From that night I was attracted to her greatly and she to me she told me later. At the time I didn’t realize she had three kids.

One day she came by and I was doing a drawing. I was so strongly attracted to her. I showed her the house and somehow we were then in an embrace. The long and short of it is that she was the first girl I ever had the pleasure of going to bed with. As it went we got involved and she would many times drive to my house to pick me up. We went out and ate together on many occasions. As things went on I got a job at Litton and I spend many days at her house. You might say we lived together.

One weekend she left and she changed quite dramatically. I wondered why. She told me the story of her loves and of a member who she lived with for sometime.

Well, one night my jealous suspicions turned out right. I, having her key to the apartment walked in on her and her old boyfriend in bed together, who at the time were quite sound asleep. I left quietly and then phoned and asked her if she still loved me. She said, “Yes, of course.”

I told her, “Then get your f..ing a.. out of bed with that guy!”

So we met at a local coffee shop at about 3:30 in the morning Halloween night and talked. So out went her old boyfriend and I then stuck with her. Well things started getting together really well and we were very happy together. Arguments were definitely cut down and we lived together harmoniously. We thought for awhile that we had V.D. but luckily it was just a slight infection of a mild normal variety, not V.D. It cleared up.

One night _____ bugged me that she wanted to go out. Well, I told her to go. She then met her lover, who I caught in bed one night the following week. I had enough. I was engaged to her, but of course when I caught her in bed with this dude she denied it and denied me and threw our engagement ring against the wall.  Now if I had been smart I would have dropped it there. But I still loved her. So I saw her again and she wanted to hold onto both of us or so I thought and we were engaged ring and all. Then I learned she was back with him and little ole me.

I got pretty sick of the whole situation, but thought I could ride it out. One day I stopped by her house and loaned her $10 to get her car fixed. She was extremely cold to me and I was very depressed about the situation. So I was about to tell her seriously that I had made up my mind to call off our entire relationship. But alas her lover called. She chummed up to him on the phone and told me “Quiet” before answering. Well, I was extremely sick of this and made some noises. She replied to his query of who that was by saying, “A neighbor.” I said, “No, I’m not.” I was sick of her lying. I told her lover that I laid her four times this week. She told me she hated me and began to attack me with her claws. What ensued was not something I’m proud of ever mentioning. My face was quite scarred up by the ordeal itself. I told her to look at her behavior and she ran to the Gohonzon enshrined in the Butsudon to destroy it and at that point I said, “No! I’m outta here. That’s it.”

[12.06. 2016 Recollection. I remember being in an altered state of consciousness, super aware as I left. I was bleeding all over my face from her sharp nails and blood was on my shirt. I asked one man if he could drive me home I’d give him fifty dollars which I had in my wallet. He didn’t know what to say, but declined the offer. As I walked down the street, I was shaking as nothing like this had ever happened to me  before in my life. I finally got to a bus bench and sat down next to an elderly lady who saw my face, patted a puddle of water from an earlier rain that day with her clean handkerchief on the bench and wiped my face off. She did not judge me, but acted like a mother to all. Then she directed me to another bus since the route I was waiting for didn’t run at that time of night. So, I boarded a bus on Sepulveda Blvd. and so I headed south to my house. I sat with the helpful woman who explained to me how hard it was to make ends meet on her meager retirement income and how at times she had to eat canned cat food. I was grieved. Just as she was telling me that,  two young children boarded the bus with a cardboard box with newborn puppies and the young boy asked with a lisp due to his cleft pallet, “Do you want a puppy?” I about lost it. The reality of life was imploding upon my soul. When my stop came up, I exited and walked for blocks to my house and emotionally collapsed when I entered the door. The surreal experience will never leave my mind as long as I live.]

The ordeal has left me quite upset because I was really in love with her, but more upset because I have caused her to titan.

The past four days I have slept a lot because I have just not been able to handle the fact of what transpired last night.  On top of it all I have no transportation which I am in desperate need of especially for the new job I have. I have no where to turn to really. The only thing I can try doing is to face the Gohonzon and trust the Gohonzon for help. All else has failed. I need help because I am very low in spirit. Even though I would never marry her, Gohonzon I love her and am concerned for her. Please take good care of her Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

Gohonzon,

    Tonight I pray for

        “___________”  practice to the Gohonzon.

I also pray for my practice.

I need some benefits

What can I say.

I’m so low in spirits I can barely stay awake. The only thing

I have left is faith that things will change for the better!

I pray to overcome my sickness of the heart. It must be the worst

because it infects my whole body worse than the meanest flu germ.

Stand up!

Don’t forget the noble mission which I was born to achieve!

Shakubuku, the only way to achieve a change in my evil destiny.

If I stop now how can I show so many people the route to

true freedom, true happiness.

If I love my parents and if I love others, I must fight the devil within and

come out the victor.

The devil of Goma infects my entire body. How can I fight this most powerful foe?

Only with the sword of the Hokekyo.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

Tuesday, February 4, 1975

A wasted day in my life. It would be better if I walked all over the city than sleep all day. I lost the battle against myself so far today. I slept all day except for a quick Gongyo.

All my leaders were all so right, but why I don’t listen to people’s experiences beats me.

Thursday, February 6th

Toban at Malibu.

Friday. February 7th

Dear Gohonzon,

    I don’t know why. But I love ________ so deeply. I don’t know what to do beside chant daimoku and follow. I’m really worried. I always am feeling depressed about the situation and just when I start to forget I see something that reminds me of our relationship. Gohonzon, help me to do what’s right. I need help.

Gohonzon, what causes me to feel this way about another human being?

“_________________ “

My body aches with pain over losing you.

I sleep to forget, only to dream and wake to you.

Why do I feel this way?

I chant to the Gohonzon for your happiness and for my strength to overcome the loss.

Why do I love you so. Why?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s