Rationalizing Mind

Posted: November 18, 2015 in Uncategorized
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by James C. Stephens


October 31, 1972

As I look at myself now I feel somewhat at a loss. I can not say I have changed. I still have no members or even friends. Before I chanted at least I had friends, even though they have deserted me now. I can not call them friends I am sure. But I have not a friend to really share my life with. Every person I know I am still somewhat closed to. It is within my own life I realize. I’m sorry I don’t have members. I don’t feel like well because I feel low the Gohonzon will give me members.

I just don’t know. I can’t trust anything in the whole world. It’s really terrible. I can’t place my whole trust in anything, I don’t even trust myself. For weeks my life has been going in circles. I am so full of B… S…, pardon the language. Man, I don’t know what will happen. All I do is sleep for hours, miss classes. I am not eating, no phone, no car, I am in the same situation as a year ago. My health is so damn poor.

I can not even make a resolution and keep it. I have no faith in myself. No real goal. What is a goal of having a han, when it means nothing to me. I feel like dying, then what! See I don’t know what the hell is going on. I would like to see some actual benefit in my life that really matters to me over my g.. d.. rationalizing mind.

 

November 22, 1972

 

Which way is up or which way is down I do not know.

All I do is go with Gohonzon as my basis.

 

My family problem.

 

Father is losing constantly.

I get up late.

I miss school.

I feel like I am getting more stupid.

I have no car.

I have no phone.

I have no members.

I have no feeling of purpose.

 

November 29, 1972

I am realizing that because I have so many problems, that I must overcome them rather than them overcoming me. My district chief told us to set our goal for the Sho-hondo convention 1973.

My long range goal is to chant 2,700,000 daimoku by October 1, 73. My member goal is 5 strong YMD. My shakubuku goal for just telling people about chanting is 5,000/17 per day. My goal for guests in 80 guests. 10 months.

 


 

 

Retrospective: I had little idea that I had been so deeply impacted by the divorce of my parents. For a period of two years it seemed that I suffered from Anacylitic depression being separated from all my previous social base. My world had collapsed and the only social life that gave me any semblance of normality and power arose from the support I felt from the campaigns in the Gakkai, e.g., World Tribune, Brass Band, Conventions, Shakubuku. It slowly became my new family. However, they had no clue as to what I was going through with my own family and what’s more did not care to find out.

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