Kanki and Boredom

Posted: October 6, 2015 in Uncategorized
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by James C. Stephens


February 1, 1971

Today, I have completely lacked vitality. I thought I would write down my condition in hopes that I could see what and how I’ve changed in the future.

Today I got up at 9:30 which is really a mistake. I did an hour of poor daimoku, read “Lectures” and then chanted 10 minutes of better daimoku and did Gongyo. After breakfast I watered the plants and then just went in and laid down. Got up at 2:30. I didn’t get the job at Universal Studios.  I wish I would have some kanki and I’m always freaking about having sincerity.

I prayed to the Gohonzon for a job, maybe tomorrow I’ll get one. I just feel no vitality from this practice at times, but President Ikeda says, “how can you taste the sweet of life with tasting salt.”  I really wish something would break in my life. But sometimes I wonder if only I can do that. I really want to know my mission, because it seems I’m just on a nowhere streak. One of my big problems is the lack of human to human feelings. I just can’t bring myself to think I feel good about people, but I want to really feel it inside, but I haven’t yet as yet experienced this. Why is it important? Is one of my questions. I don’t feel down, but it just seems my head is impregnable by humanistic feelings at times.

I feel real close to the members, but I just can’t bring myself to be friends with them, it’s always a cold me or a very defensive me. Like my actions must be suited to them, while I am around them. I can never really get true feelings out around anyone. Why? I don’t know.

Yet I know Nichiren Shoshu isn’t wrong, but sometimes my life doesn’t care about others. Maybe because I’ve never had the feeling before.

Sometimes things get so unbelievably heavy, not emotionally, but because of the lack of feeling and therefore the lack of spirit to do something. I think one of the worst devils is boredom. Because it brings a stagnation that is hard to snap out of. It just seems like I’ll be bogged down in a routine and it shows at meetings. When I went to Sand Diego, I experienced the opposite, so I know Kanki is there, the only problem I have now is how to capture that spirit permanently.

 

Evening Reflections. 

“Without salt you can’t taste the sweet.” Ichinen Sanzen for sure. I’m really wired, we had a fantastic discussion meeting. I had two guests. After this afternoon I really see that the discussion meeting is the oasis of happiness. If I really sincerely start chanting maybe my guests will really discover happiness, too. This practice I’ve found can’t be too self-centered, yet it must be, to really develop. If I get bored, Shakubuku and Daimoku is the only way out. I must strive to use each day to develop or else I am going to retrogress. I must always progress or else I will get down. However, I see why you must feel down at times or else you could not feel “true happiness.” I must do more Shakubuku.

“Spring always follows winter.”  ~President Ikeda.

11:30 P.M.


 

Lectures: A collection of Lectures by Josei Toda, the Second President of the Soka Gakkai International who according to Ikeda, “read the depths of the true meaning of the Hokekyo strictly in accordance with the Ongi Kuden, the Record of Nichiren Daishonin‘s Oral Teachings. He thereafter undertook lecturing on the essentials of the sutra.”

Ichinen Sanzen: The Buddhist concept that in a moment of time there are over three thousand different life conditions that can be experienced by a human being, e.g., hell, hunger, tranquility, anger, greed, Buddhahood, etc., etc.

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